Life is full of ups and downs. My passion in life is helping people climb back from the “downs” into “ups” that often seem impossible at the time. In order to do this, I had to go through a personal hell and walk out the other side. People often tell me how inspiring I am, which I have mixed feelings about, they also ask me how I did it.
Sometimes I worry that people think my journey was straight forward, with a well defined map that I can pass on to those lost in their own hellscape.
The truth is that it has been very much a trial and error situation, with a lot of unwise decisions, and unkind thoughts about myself.
As the title suggests, a thought I tend to have when things are bad is that I just need to “get my shit together”. Thinking like this is wildly unhelpful. Not only does it not offer any concrete advice for myself to follow, it is inherently ableist. It doesn’t take account of the myriad ways I am disabled.
Another unhelpful thing I do when I am struggling is romanticise my childhood. I wish for my days of innocence, denying the fact that my lack of childhood innocence plays a huge role in my struggles as an adult. It’s easy to convince ourselves that the past is where we belong. It’s important to live in the present, no matter what it looks like.
Self-destructing is something I do when things get really bad. It ranges from pissing off the people close to me, to a literal urge to self-destruct. Infer from that what you will. It’s easy to forget that sometimes our most toxic influence is our own mind.
Perhaps the worst thing I do is hate myself. The truth is, I’ve come a long way since “the old days”, and when I am struggling, I forget that. I am my own worst critic. I convince myself that I am a harmful influence, and a generally shitty person. If you ever catch yourself doing this, it’s okay to ask for a little validation from the people closest to you.
We all need uplifting from time to time, don’t be ashamed for struggling.
I hope that these insights into my own self-critical thoughts are helpful to someone. There are times when I forget that I am a human being, and not machine, existing solely to serve the benefit of others. It’s something many of us do, but I want you to know, it’s okay to be human.
Just don’t let the shitty thoughts rule your mind.