Autism and the holidays are not always a good mix. While many Autistic people find some enjoyment in the holiday season, for many of us and our loved ones, this represents a time of over-stimulation and awkward encounters with less understanding family members. As an Autistic person myself, I felt it would be good to highlight some of my top tips for surviving the holidays.
Why are the holidays so difficult for Autistic people?
This article on the holidays presents three core aspects that can be difficult for Autistic people during the holidays. These are:
- Social
- Sensory
- Schedule
To add my own take to this, I believe this is a good starting place. Social aspects of the holidays can be intense. There is an expectation to be around larger groups of people, make conversation, and interact with others in a “socially acceptable” way. The double empathy problem teaches us that socialisation can be difficult for Autistic people because of the empathy gap between neurodivergent people and neurotypical people. This means that when socialising with non-Autistic people we are at risk of communication breakdowns.
Of course the holidays are also a sensory nightmare. Bright lights, loud music, and the smell of food cooking are just some of the things that can be problematic for us. If you are a person who needs a carefully curated sensory environment, then the holidays can be a minefield of unexpected sensory traumas.
The holidays can also seriously upset our routine. Scheduling in family time can mean that the patterns we are used to in life can be turned on their head. What we may take for granted from our day to day lives can suddenly become a period of instability and unexpected events. For Autistic people this can be a very upsetting time.
Finally, there is a demand in many cultures for gift giving and receiving. For Autistic people who struggle with finances, executive functioning, or the demands of responding appropriately to gifts, this particular aspect of the holidays can be enough to cause intense and uncontrollable meltdowns. So with this in mind, what tips can I offer?
1. Have Autistic-friendly boundaries in social situations
Just because a family member is the one spouting harmful opinions, does not mean you have to listen to it. Far too often, marginalised groups are told that we have to police our own response to the world, this should not mean that we have to listen to opinions that can be triggering and harmful. Regardless of who is saying it, it is okay to walk away from the situation. You do not owe anyone your dysregulation. If something happening in a social situation is causing distress, you can and should walk away.
It is also okay to say that you have reached your spoon limit for socialising and that you need to take a break. People are likely to be just as upset by you disengaging as they are by you walking away, so do what is right for you. The people that matter are the ones that support your needs, not the ones that demand a neurotypical performance for the sake of social acceptability.
2. Curate your sensory environment as much as possible
The first step to curating your sensory environment is to identify what is unavoidable, and manage it. This means using sensory aids such as noise cancelling headphones, tinted glasses, stim toys, and safe textures. Put as many sensory aids as you can source between you and the sensory environment. This is going to help make the holidays much more manageable and hopefully less of a drain on those limited spoons.
The second thing you are going to want is a sensory safe space. This ties in nicely with the above mentioned boundaries. You need a space to escape to. This space needs to be curated to the best of your ability. Think sensory diet. What sensory experiences do you need to rejuvenate? How can you best meet those sensory needs in the space available to you? Dependent on whether or not you are in your own home or not will affect how much control you have over this, but it is okay to seek out a safe space to take a sensory break where needed.
3. Don’t try to make everyone happy
When scheduling our holidays, there can be pressure to see everyone who wants to be seen. The problem is that this can destroy our carefully balanced routines and subsequent wellbeing. It is okay to say to people that you can not see them. Prioritise to the best of your ability. Remember that not all free time is available time. During the holidays Autistic people can easily be manipulated into feeling like having time to themselves is selfish, and this isn’t true. Our time is valuable, and people will enjoy time with us more if we aren’t burntout and grumpy. Spend time with people where it is reasonable, and protect as much of your routine as possible.
4. It’s okay for Autistic people to know what gifts they are getting if they need to
Very often we are told that gifts should be a surprise. The problem for Autistic people is that this can be very anxiety provoking. The need to perform a grateful response to unknown gifts can be too much. What if I don’t like it? How do I use this gift? What if my response makes someone feel like they aren’t important to me? Allowing Autistic people to suggest their own gifts or even directly know what they are receiving can take a lot of this anxiety away and allow for a happier gift exchange among loved ones. Remember, the social niceties around gift giving are themselves built on neuronormativity.
5. Gifts don’t have to have a financial value
Autistic people are much more likely to experience financial hardship. This means that a time of the year when people are exchanging gifts can put a lot of pressure on us to spend money that we simply can’t afford. To my mind, a gift is something you give that shows that someone means something to you. This doesn’t necessarily mean it has financial value. Autistic people have a wide array of love languages. The image below shows some of them.
Autistic people can enjoy the holidays on their own terms!
No matter what your holidays look like, when allowed to engage in our own way, we can and do enjoy them! The tips mentioned in this article are not an exhaustive list, and some may work while others wont. Get creative, think about what helps you during the holidays. If there is something that has been missed, please feel free to share this article on with your additions in the comments or captions! Autistic people thrive off of collaborative problem solving. We don’t have to start January off in a state of burnout!
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